107 Reasons Beer is Better Than Women

告訴您為何有些男人寧願選擇脾酒而棄心愛女人於不顧.....
如果您有認識這樣的男人,可千萬別錯過這篇噢 !!

107 個 脾酒 比女人 好的理由 !!

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.

5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. Hangovers go away.

8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.

14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.

15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.

16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.

18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.

19. A beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. A beer doesn't care when you come.

22. You can have a beer in public.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.

26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.

27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.

28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.

29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.

30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.

31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.

32. Beer looks the same in the morning.

33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.

34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.

35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.

36. Beer doesn't get cramps.

37. Beer doesn't have a mother.

38. Beer doesn't have morals.

39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.

40. Beer always listens and never argues.

41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.

42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.

43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.

44. Beer doesn't demand legality.

45. Beer is never overweight.

46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.

48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.

49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.

50. Beer can't give you herpes or other nasty things.

51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.

52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.

53. Beer never changes its mind.

54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.

55. Beer never asks you to change the station.

56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.

57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.

58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.

59. Beer is always easy to pick up.

60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.

61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.

62. Beer NEVER says no.

63. Beer is easy to get into.

64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.

65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs

66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.

67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.

68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.

69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.

70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.

71. Beer doesn't blow you off.

72. doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.

73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.

74. Beer doesn't mind football season.

75. A beer won't make you go to church.

76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.

77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.

78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".

79. A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around.

80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with babies are "cute".

81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.

82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".

83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.

84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.

85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.

86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.

87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.

88. A beer won't smoke in your car.

89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.

90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.

91. A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.

92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.

93. A beer never fishes for compliments.

94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.

95. Beer tastes *good*.

96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".

97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.

98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.

99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.

100. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles" (You *are* lying, but the beer won't accuse you of it).

101. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.

102. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"

103. A beer will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.

104. A beer will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.

105. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".

106. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.

107. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't make you ill.
     

     101 Things Not To Say During Sex

     101 個 親熱時 絕對不能說出口的...

     1. But everybody looks funny naked!

     2. You woke me up for that?

     3. Did I mention the video camera?

     4. Do you smell something burning?

     5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

     6. Try breathing through your nose.

     7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

     8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

     9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

     10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

     11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
         Person 2: Yeah.. today

     12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

     13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

     14. Do you accept Visa?

     15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

     16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

     17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

     18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

     19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

     20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

     21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

     22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

     23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

     24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

     25. Got any penicillin?

     26. But I just brushed my teeth...

     27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

     28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

     29. I want a baby!

     30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

     31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

     32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

     33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

     34. I think you have it on backwards.

     35. When is this supposed to feel good?

     36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

     37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

     38. Is that blood on the headboard?

     39. Did I remember to take my pill?

     40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

     41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

     42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

     43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

     44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

     45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

     46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

     47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

     48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

     49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

     50. You're almost as good as my ex!

     51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

     52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

     53. You look younger than you feel.

     54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

     55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

     56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

     57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

     58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

     59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

     60. What tampon?

     61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

     62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

     63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

     64. I have a confession...

     65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

     66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

     67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

     68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

     69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?

     70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

     71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

     72. Did you cum yet, dear?

     73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

     74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

     75. Does this count as a date?

     76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

     77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

     78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

     79. Q: You can cook, too right?
         A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)

     80. When would you like to meet my parents?

     81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
         Woman: Yourself?

     82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

     83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

     84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

     85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

     86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

     87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

     88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

     89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

     90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

     91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

     92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

     93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

     94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

     95. Is this a sin too?

     96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

     97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

     98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

     99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

     100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

     101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

     

     45 Reasons Coffee is Better than Women

     45 個咖啡比女人 好的理由 !!

     ---

     1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
     2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
     3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
     4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
     5. You can always warm coffee up.
     6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
     7. Coffee is cheaper.
     8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
     9. Coffee never runs out.
     10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
     11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
     12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
     13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
     14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
     15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
     16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
     17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
     18. You can always get fresh coffee.
     19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.
     20. They sell coffee at police stations.
     21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
     22. Coffee goes down easier.
     23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
     24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
     25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
     26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
     27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
     28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
     29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
     30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
     31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
     32. Coffee doesn't shed.
     33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
     34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
     35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
     36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
     37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time.
     38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
     39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
     40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
     41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
     42. INSTANT COFFEE!
     43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
     44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
     45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
     

     Excuses For Skipping Out of Work Early

     教您請示老闆 : 提早翹班的好理由 !!

     1. My kids are locked outside.

     2. My kids are locked inside.

     3. My kids are stuck in the door.

     4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.

     5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies -- she's much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.

     6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

     7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

     8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.

     9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony.

     10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).

     11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.

     12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake).

     13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

     14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

     15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

     16. My truss snapped.

     17. My support hose popped.

     18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.

     19. I'm arranging financing for a house.

     20. I'm arranging financing for a car.

     21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.

     22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

     23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this

     ---

10 Ways To Get Fired

1. Whenever answering the phone, and its for your boss, say "He's under his desk screwing his secretary. Can I take a message?"

2. Strip off all your clothes. Complain about how hot it is in the office, regardless of the temperature

3. When your boss is on the phone scream "Dammit! I'm expecting a call!! Stay off the phone!!"

4. If your boss bumps into you, start screaming sexual harassment. Talk in great lengths about the state laws on harassment. Get the authorites involved. Threaten to sue.

5. Sleep with your boss's daughter. Videotape it. Pass out copies around the office. Brag about how easy she was.

6. Steal various office equipment (pencils, staplers, desks). Frame your boss for it.

7. When asked to do something start laughing hysterically. Continue this for five minutes. Calm down and say, "Oh, you were being serious?"

8. Loosen the bolts on the boss's chair. Laugh loudly when he/she falls down. Play innocent.

9. Whenever the boss starts to tell you a story, interrupt him/her with a story of your own. Make sure the story is boring and has no point whatsoever.

10. Send a dozen roses to your boss's house when their spouse is home. Sign an ex-flames name on the card. Next day, ask him/her how their evening was. Be obvious.

Revenge of the Jedi: Sexual Lines

• "Rise, my friend."

• "Open the back door!"

• "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"

• "It's just a dead animal..."

• "Not bad for a little furball."

• "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"

• "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"

• "Keep on that one, I'll take these two."

• "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"

• "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."

46 Things That Never Happen on Star Trek

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

8. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.

9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.

13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.

15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.

19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."

20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.

21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!

23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

24. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.

26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetty?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"

27. When Worf tells the bride officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."

28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.

29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).

30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.

34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.

35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.

36. Data falls in love with the replicator.

37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.

42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)

43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.

44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics

45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.

46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.

Empire Strikes Back: Sexual Lines

• "And I thought they smelled bad...on the outside!"

• "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

• "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?"

• "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

• "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."

• "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."

• "Control, control! You must learn control!"

• "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

• "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

• "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"

Star Wars: Sexual Lines

• "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

• "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

• "Look at the size of that thing!"

• "Sorry about the mess..."

• "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

• "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

• "You've got something jammed in here real good."

• "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"

• "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

• "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"

10 Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

10 Things to do with AOL disks